“It is the constant
thinking activity of Self 1, the ego mind, which causes interference with the
natural doing process of Self 2.
Harmony between the two selves exists when the mind itself is quiet. Only when
the mind is still is one’s peak performance reached” W T Gallwey “The Inner Game of Tennis”
This one’s taken a few weeks to write, an exorcism of
thoughts that have been rattling around my consciousness, influenced and shaped
by many observations, particularly over the last couple of months but, in fact,
even over years.
In running terms, I’m drifting, unfocused, no targets on the
horizon and no goals to achieve. And, perhaps because of that, the training has
been sporadic (at best!) and I don’t have a set schedule I feel I should be
following.
And the question that kept coming into my head was: “does it matter?”
In such times, I usually turn back to “The Inner Game of
Tennis” as a source of inspiration and guidance. Its simple philosophy and
principles make perfect sense to me. Life can sometimes seem to be a battle
between consciously thinking and actually doing. It’s all to easy to judge
yourself (both positively and negatively) rather than just being, observing and learning.
And it, invariably, comes back to ego. We all suffer from
it: the thought that somehow what we do IS important, that there is some
greater meaning.
“I wonder about the
probability of surviving in the mountains and then I look at the stars, at an
infinity of other worlds, and I realise that it doesn’t matter that
much......We are unimaginably ignorant and, in the context of space and time,
we are an utter irrelevance....We are no more than the blinking of an eye
between two eternities” Joe Simpson “The Beckoning Silence”
The truth is that nothing I do really matters. In the short term, my ego cares whether I run or
not, and how well I do it, so my challenge is to strip back that ego, quieten
Self 1 and see what happens. In the medium term, my name may remain in the
records of races run and challenges undertaken, all games made up by people to
amuse themselves, none of them having any significance or resonance in the history
of this vast universe.
So I did the Bob Graham a few years back....what did it matter?
Of course, to me, it meant everything and nothing. At the time, it boosted my
ego greatly and I felt a huge amount of pride in having done it. Now, a few
years on, I understand that what it taught me most of all was to allow myself
to be in the moment, to quieten the doubts, to not fight against but to go with
the flow and allow my inner self to perform to its potential. And, overall, I appreciate
that it means nothing at all, of course. Just a list of names of people who’ve
done something in their lives, but which doesn’t have any real relevance.
“But to anyone reasonable, my life will
seem more or less normal-under-the-microscope, full of contingencies and
incongruities none of us escapes and which do little harm in an existence that
otherwise goes unnoticed.” Richard Ford “Independence Day”
I’ve been agnostic for all of my adult life. I see no
evidence for any greater being, any greater purpose to our lives and I’ve
always believed that, when we die, we are just a piles of bones or ashes in the
earth, marked only as a place of remembrance for our kin.
Some people seem to find that to be a negative, pessimistic
view of life. I see it as the opposite, the older I get. It frees me to do
whatever I want in the remaining years I have on this earth. I came into this
earth via a natural process, I’ll leave via one and what I do inbetween is
entirely my choice. It doesn’t mean I don’t have morals or ethics. I clearly
do, and I do my best to live harmoniously on this earth (within the constraints
of modern life), appreciating all the great beauty around us.
And, of course, I regard humans as no more important a
species than any other. Why would anyone? To do so would only demonstrate massive
ego. We’re all here to co-exist, we all have a place in the complicated balance
of nature and, the only thing we can be sure of, is that, if we tip the scales
too far in any direction, nature will wreak havoc.
“Does this
sound very "green" to you? To me it sounds like a society fixated on
growth and material progress going about its destructive business in much the
same way as ever, only without the carbon. It sounds like a society whose
answer to everything is more and bigger technology; a society so cut off from
nature that it believes industrialising a mountain is a "sustainable"
thing to do.” Paul
Kingsnorth ”AWindfarm is Not the Answer”
As my thoughts have become concentrated and focused, and as I’ve
contemplated the direction my life will head in from here, it just so happens
that I’ve also hit upon some writers who have managed to encapsulate my
thoughts and feelings.
In a modern world with which I increasingly feel at odds, it’s
comforting to find that others feel the same and perhaps, just perhaps, that
feeling is growing (and, yes, I appreciate that in finding that comfort, I am
demonstrating some level of ego!).
Although I don’t regard procreation as a “purpose”, it is a
fact of life and the very least I can do is treat the earth properly and not
join in with the wholesale destruction of it on which the human race seems
hell-bent, for the sake of my children and my children’s children.
If I can live my life so that, at the end of it, I personally
have had no detrimental effect, then I will be content with that. If I’ve used
my time to do things I enjoy and, perhaps even to spread my enjoyment to
others, then even better.
After a while, my
meditations and studies began to bear fruit. It really started late in January,
one frosty night in the woods in the dead silence it seemed I almost heard the
words said: “Everything is all right forever and forever and forever”. I let
out a big HOO, one o’clock in the morning, the dogs leaped up and exulted. I
felt like yelling it to the stars. I clasped my hands and prayed,”O wise and
serene spirit of Awakenhood, everything’s alright forever, and forever and
forever and thank you thank you thank you amen.” What’d I care about the tower
of ghouls and sperms and bones and dust. I felt free and therefore I was free.” Jack Kerouac “The Dharma Bums”
So where does all this leave me? Feeling more calm and
serene than I ever have before, not chasing dreams, not setting targets out of
some requirement to be seen to be doing so, just enjoying living in the moment,
in the here and now. I’m enjoying loch-side walks, where we see ducks, heron,
otters, seagulls, seals, cormorants, and all manner of other creatures. I’m
enjoying nice, slow explorations of unseen glens, where huge slopes tower above
us on both sides. I’m enjoying my imagination running wild at the thoughts of
lives lived in these glens in times past and the certain knowledge that lives
will be lived for equally as long in the future.
And what of my running? I’ll be out there when I want to be,
and when time allows. Sometimes I’ll go out and push myself, because I’ll feel
like it. Sometimes I’ll just go out and plod, enjoy being out in the wilds and
taking in all around me. I’m not going to put any pressure on myself and not
going to have any expectations. Races? I’ve entered a couple, not with any
great plans or hopes, just because they’re in beautiful places and provide me
with an excuse to go there.
I’ve got a wee route planned in the area as well. Straight
from the house. It clocks in at around 50 miles and 20,000 feet, almost all
pathless, never touching a road. I might give it a go around midsummer. And
then again, I might not. If nothing else, I’ll enjoy getting out there and
checking some of the lines between hills, using slopes and gullies rarely
visited by humans these days, although a few of the wiley old characters around these parts will be able to teach my knowledge of these places from their years tending to their flocks on this inhospitable terrain.
Jon Gay’s fantastic winter Ramsay quite inspired me as well.
Maybe I will have a look at the route. I think the truth is that I probably won’t
though. Why spend all my time getting to know mountains 20+ miles drive away
when I’ve got all these hills in my back garden and I could spend a lifetime
getting to know them?
Whatever I decide, I’ll enjoy myself and know that it doesn’t
really matter in the grand scheme of things.....
The wind will
still blow, the world is still turning,
Somewhere exotic, the sun is still burning,
But here the night's fallen and so must we rest,
Your head by my heart, gently pressed to my breast.
The whispering ocean with tall tales to tell
Is done for the day as he settles his swell,
The flickering stars so impossibly high
Are yawning and waving from far in the sky,
And old Mother Moon, with her pale, peaceful light,
Keeps watch from above as she sings us goodnight:
'Goodnight, goodnight, oh my children, goodnight,
Sleep deeply, sleep safely. My children, sleep tight'
Somewhere exotic, the sun is still burning,
But here the night's fallen and so must we rest,
Your head by my heart, gently pressed to my breast.
The whispering ocean with tall tales to tell
Is done for the day as he settles his swell,
The flickering stars so impossibly high
Are yawning and waving from far in the sky,
And old Mother Moon, with her pale, peaceful light,
Keeps watch from above as she sings us goodnight:
'Goodnight, goodnight, oh my children, goodnight,
Sleep deeply, sleep safely. My children, sleep tight'
Aidan
Moffat and Bill Wells “And So We Must
Rest”